...they mock me not. i suffered a blow too much. choke and acting like an idiot. you all drag me down the stairs as if i'm crazy. and i fell..and you left me to cry and vomitted on the floor. you left me to scream in pain.. and my heart burst.
you were all there, not daring to touch me. but to mock at my state. had you all at lweast tried to console me.. i would not go crazy.
i ran away... without a thing. barefooted all the way. i run. my foot hurts nothing more than my heart. they stared. the street every single person stared at me. strange wierd id ont care. i wanted hell. i mumble and mumble. and i seek help from him.
i bang hard on the door. his family ahowed so much concern in contrast to mine.
i cried even harder couldnt control myself anymore. couldnt even qns why.

there's no respect for anyone. vulgar vulgar vulgar. violence. rough. thats how it is. and the fucker elder sis of mine. what benevolent heart. a fake smile and all i hear her say is "shut up" and "sian of your crying" "i am so tired i tried so hard" she make it seems she is so responsible mature caring sis but using such words? bullshit if thats so, your so into your own world making everyone love you so. but your true colours show. have you even listen to my story? if u know how i bcome and know my vulnerable state would u hurl such harsh words at me. have you no brains. i would have slap you bcos i dont care. there's not even a single hint of sincerity in your words.

....its been a week since i ran away from home and stopped schlin; and i miss ma and pa and my dogs n cats.i really tried to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good person, i really tried. but why..are they so obsessed with themselves nvr considerign others feelings.if you truly care, i would sense it. and i would treat u jus the same. if u truly use ur heart to care i would never abandon u or reject u.

hurtful memories and verbal abuse pushing me over my limit. i collapse. it happened like always for the past 11 yrs or since i learnt to show awareness to my own emotions. others may hurt me accuse me for they know me not. but you of all who been there to hear me and cause my pain... i was shattered.

i told them, if u were there at my situation at every age of my life perhaps you might truly felt all this pain, and saw how i cry silently at night.
since pri sch.. i was left at other ppl house to be taken care of(so called nanny). i never really seen my parents or feel their presence.and now i wonder .. had they been in my life at all. i cant recall.
and you..my closest sis, stress me on every exam, pressuring me be it studies or anything in my life. i was never allowed to cry out loud or tear.

i tolerate alot of things for years. have u ever had your books tore?? photos torn and throw into your face? stand there like a fool and be scolded in public?
this and that, and that and this. how much more must i say to clear a name for myself and let them believe it wasnt jus a quarell that night anymore.

i am just something for you to vent your anger on. every day i tried to study but you threw your temper on me. every few years you apologise, u scolded me on my birthday, xmas, new yr, every occasion that i'm happy is spoilt by you. i forgave you time and time again bcos i truly love you..

thanks to wenqi...pouring my heart out to her and giving me hugs. and i know she understand for she knew what had been going on all along n had been there for me. and Joce who sms me so much helpin me stand by my faith. and kel, when i have nothing she replied "i have" and wanted to meet up... yun who waited me after sch today to listen to me. when i'm so terrified of schooling.even when i went back sch jus now since my absence.i really felt like crying i couldnt laugh at anything couldnt talk. i wanted to quit sch. but thanks i still have friends that show so much encouragement.. all the replies are askign me to stay at their house, help me with their studies. all of them.. i really have very very kind friends.. i thought they would not really understand my situation and persaude me to go home thinkin i'm silly or childish bcos of a quarell. but all of them jus ask me to go on a hols, come back study.

all these hurts doesnt come for a day. but has been acccumulating for years. yang has been there every moment and witness all my pain since we are together. his family are supporting me too. he was scared that i might so crazy, and showing so much so much love and concern for me.i know if i were like the past "alone"..i would have headed straight to hell.bcos i knew my life has no value bcos they had diminish it. i would never want to run away to hurt my mum and dad. i truly did it out of desperate moments.

i've been meeting mum and dad for some days. they may not understand. but mum has been kind and caring towards my health. persauding me to see a doc. got some muscle relax pills to help me sleep better.. he recommended counselling. i truly do not want to go crazy. the one who needs to see a doc is her. i wish.. she could see it herself.
ma and pa are old. i dont want to worry them. seeing how hard their life is now and then. my heart ache for them. promise mum i'll bring her to eat pizza after my prelims. bought new slippers for pa..see he wear the old shoes so pain. i wish he could jus take good care of his health and stop drinkign so much and take life less stressful.
i know mum take it easy. but she suffer the most. have to tolerate unreasonable customers, have bruise on her, blue black on her arm, hurt her back and at home.. have to tolerate all my siblings verbal abuse and shoutings.

i'm still nervous now. but i will work harder. i want to bring ma to KL after my A level. i want to treat her good with patience. i want to try... to heal myself.. and be a better person. i dont want to cry and die..anymore

i used to hide things in my heart. never sharing a single woe to ppl. bcos i always believe i could nvr make them understand. or rather not everyone are willing to listen and even if they did. they are never sincere. if u see me sad, would u ask why? maybe if u ask again, i might tell u. maybe i want to talk to u, would u give me a chance? be it friends or family. is the same. some ppl will always be just friends. but some will walk into your life and lend this helping hand. while others walk in and out and never stay.

i told Xcite bcos i truly treat him as a friend, i know its a bit late to tell him. but i jus want to let him know what has been going on. and now when i am much calmer to say it out. is hard to type all my feelings down. i can only say " i am depressed" but how many will feel what i've gone thru that night.. running on the road everywhere. how many will feel what i've gone thru for years.
every one.. have diff stories. and if you are my friend i wish to be part of ur pain n sorrows too. i want to hear u cry just like u heard mine, bcos i know this will strengthen our bond and trust for long i know.


i'm having bad hair day like.. for a week? sucks. everyday sucks. school days sucks.
i suck. okay.
nvm my hair is all curl and big. arg.
my weight. very bad. all bcos of the late night suppers and my very very good appetite these days. even though it means that i'm recovering but consider the food i take, i doubt i'll stay healthy for long.
i want to swim. run. jump. fly. escape.

i have no idea how ppl can become aneroxic. become so freaking thin. a girl of ht 160++ said this "34 kg is my ideal wt. i feel 38kg is still abit too heavy" ARG!! i dont think i will ever get aneroxic even though i seems to go on a diet forever i never stay long on it. and i'm never ever considered thin since primary 2. nowadays all e girls are so normal (thin) with a waist of 22 to 24.5 inch. while i'll never fall into that range. i'm waiting or hoping desperately for that day to come. i'm not being materialistic or vain dying for a wonderful figure. the least that i want is to be a considerably okay size and healthy. i'm jus being realistic. and trying to create some perfection in myself. and of cos i wish to travel around the world and learn more new things etc.

i dont want to cope up in my room and read "A n C" for the 4th time. i've been feeling really stupid these days. i cant catch up with anything be it maths, chi or lit.i really tried.i tried.and tried.skipping classes to study on my own sighh feeling so tired every now and then. i kept reminding myself is only one mth plus away and i'm facing the As. miracles do happen...i hope



smacking red lips
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

Just Let Me Cry
~Ashlee Simpson

I'm about to lose control

I, I don't know why
Why you need some reason to feel lost inside
You, you know that I'm alright
You know that I'm just the kind of girl that feels so hurt and smiles

I don't use excuses
Don't ask why
It's just a breakdown
It happens all the time
So get out of my face
Don't even try
Ya wanna help me, just let me cry

Yeah I loved you all my life
You don't even know a thing I feel inside
No, by the look in my eye
That I'm just fine but I might need you to hold me tight

I don't use excuses
Don't ask why
It's just a breakdown
It happens all the time
So get out of my face
Don't even try
Ya wanna help me, just let me cry

I don't use excuses
Don't ask why
It's just a breakdown
It happens all the time
So get out of my face
Don't even try
Ya wanna help me, just let me cry

I had a bad day, I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry
I had a bad day, I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry
I had a bad day, I 'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry
I had a bad day, I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry

Just let me- cry



good shot
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

at suntec..park

funny face
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

kiss
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

all smiley...

park
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

mee
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

for national day...(new look)
all KOREAN

Siew Young
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

see... my yang yang used to be fit.. muscle ok dont play play.haha "used to" ok la. he's not that fat anyway what. we are just slightly heavier than normal average people =) but nvm. i believe we will able to achieve a better figure soon!

that day youyang wanted to intro waterpolo guys to wenqi. then ed was discussing with her which sports guys were better. Ai~ so i like swimming guys. haha. so yang muz swim with me everyday.

let me hug him!

us
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

hmmm... mucb better?

Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

see wenqi so gong..haha

is one p.m - still. not any work done.
this morning was extremely gloomy. sky's dark. raining. drizzling. etc
i woke up to the first day of my slimming plan but it seems so hard to really exercise. weather so cold good for snuggling up in my blanket.

so. i was tidying my stuff when i had this sudden thought to write the belated bday card for wenqi. is really belated esp her bday was in April. and i still owe her the gift. yeap i am truly remorse. esp when i spent so much thought into my own bf's bday. but is not entirely my fault that her gift was delayed - thanks to weijie and his idea of sharing.

i never really approve of sharing a gift. i believe each gift should be selected carefully. and i surely know qi would want a dozen presents all wrapped up nicely than one pair of expensive shoes paid n given to her like this.

so anyway i spend alot of thought into writing the card. i just love bday cards or any cards and letters. but it seems that exchange of letters seems so yesterday thing. the box of letters i had with kelly i still re read it sometimes and it brought so many fond memories of us. esp the one she was in hongkong and guess i missed her so badly that i wrote 5 letters to her each for a day. i sound so lesbian!
but is that kind of bond that i love. so sweet so memorable. like sisters =)

nowadays where in the world had we such time to write letters etc. i barely received bday cards only gifts. you can buy a gift anywhere but can u really sit down and write all the sweetest wishes to your friend? and such cards bare all those "how i feel abt you" and "what we gone thru" and the "future".

i miss my past. i dreaded my present. and i yearn for the future.
i keep worry abt my exams. stressing so much that i cry every night for stupid small things. i dont know whats wrong with me. i push myself to memorise every text but in the end i still did badly for the paper. sometimes i feel so demoralise. felt so much like giving up. i know my emotional self scares him. and at the pt of breakdown, he actually so scared so concern abt me that he ask me to "dont study le" to calm me down. i actually felt a sense of relieve. maybe i jus wanna say let me go and quit school. yet at the same time, i still have obligation. i need to fulfil at least my studies for my parents, siblings, and maybe myself. i'm not sure anymore.


my life isnt moving. is grey. silent. trapped.
circling round the same spot every now and then.
where do i go. who am i. i lost track of time.
nothing peaceful. a chaos in my mind. yet i yearn nothing more than jus a comfort a hug and some kind words from them.
people who believe they are superior than others but please your not any better yourself.
i am empty now.


shagged..

caught the midnight shw "the maid" last night. went to stay at yang's house. seriously, i did not slept a wink. felt like having maggie mee too. haix. so then 7a.m woke up reach home at 8. then went to temple to bai ah gong. so many arguements and quarells. the temple really nice. some lessons going on and alot of pri and sec sch students were there and they sang the songs and start memorising some poems abt moral like " wo yao xiao shun" ( i must be filial ) the whole poem really nice and meaningful. i dont know whether our younger generation will keep up the tradition to pay respect to our ancestors in the future.

went to compass to have breakfast. so tired that i nearly faint. reach home slept till 3 woke up and do the silas marner qns. arg. so fed up already. but nvm take it as a practise ba. i really hate homework. hate schling. hate exams. i'm bonk!


i simply love....

Yami Yoghurt. Italian Gelato. Chocolate Eclair. Twirl Caburary Bar. Tako Patchi. Roti Boy. Oreo cheeese cake. Fried Chicken from Bedok Giant. Nasi Lemak. Fried Oyster. Fried Carrot Cake..

yea.. thats what i had for the past few days...

even though most of the ppl said i've slim down.. but consider how much i eat for the past few days.. sadly i put on 1 kg!!!! =(
finally finish my chi hw. left abit. haix.. really no mood to carry on studying. so many plans on my mind.
yesterdae was Jie's bday. we had dinner at Suntec. she had all her fav food. i only bought her a tee shirt and a hazel nut cheese cake from olio dom. eh.. abit stingy? but simply no time to get the perfect gift. dont know why all the shops close so early. every time i reach town catch a movie and dinner. i simply need to rush and browse thru the stack of clothes in the shops. i dont even have enough time to try or shop. sighh.. but nvm. i'll make up to her =)
we didnt get to watch the fireworks. went home watch the fireworks on tv. me and yang went out again to get our mocha soya bean drink from gardens. i think we too tired to do anything ha! even walking seems tired. but sweet company is enough :) missing him.


hee..
i'm so shagged! yes. i did not touch any books for two whole days.
sun tanned.. went for a good swim this morning. watch tv last night till 2 + a.m
shop the entire day today! and bought all the things i like ! =)
and had a great dinner with yang's family. i just enjoy the company.
good.
let's start exercisin and studying tml! weeee...




Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

(flowers i received frm yang since my bday which was jan)

the flowers are dead, but still they are beautiful.

i cant help staring at the pretty petals and smiling all over again. it just reminds me of all the sweet things that happened on my birthday. the shock the surprise the sweetness in all.

last night..
the 1st july..

11.45 p.m in the chatroom:
me: i feel like shitting but is 12 am soon i'm scared...
qi:: try to sleep and u wont feel like shitting
me: but i still have to shit right???!
qi: u can wait until tml morning to shit.
me: -_-"

great advice!! no wonder i have constipation all the time bcos of such encouragements from friends..wahaha.. but i manage to finish my business before 12 a.m and quickly snuggle up in bed. before i start imagining things coming frm the reflection of the mirror or television or something hiding in my storeroom.

all the craps and ghost stories i heard from them this week is driving me nuts. =( !

oh i badly want the baby doll top from P.O.A maybe i should just go and get it!

DSCN3495
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

dear diary.
last night we quarelled. and today we quarelled again. is been such a long time since we have such trivial arguements. sigh sigh sigh.
its been sweet all weeks long. and i cant crave for more attention than ever.

went to the guan yin temple this afternoon to pray. he bought me this pair of white colour 3 quarter pants from giodarno. my 2nd pair of pants. i still havent got any jeans. well nvm. takes time to find a good pair of jeans. so i dont know whether i will wear this more than 2 times but i'll try since is from him =) bought the pink tee for sis.

been lookin at mp3. the siemen F65 phone. the oven. too many things to buy but cant really make up my mind. went to suntec and have our Yami Yoghurt.. is like heaven food la..better than ice cream!

bought sushi from carrfour. didnt really shop much but my legs were aching and i havent study at all for the whole day. haix.

and he had to make such a comment like so fast.. oct is coming. i thought he was trying to blame me for my studies again.. but actually he's talking abt our one year. and i.. jus have to misinterpret everything. getting all moody.

perhaps is bcos of last night. i feel so trapped at home. they were just screaming at me, cant they see i am puking in the toilet? aRGG! i cant stand such noise. i cant sleep. and i was doing my work at 2 a.m in the morning. surely i need some p.e.a.c.e.

let me breathe

oh ya caught charlie n the choco fac last night. it was nice and smiley. and everything sweet like a fairy tale. even though the person beside me was like psychotic and acting all macho and stupid and the stupid gf have to cheer him on.. as he imitate every comercial and every word that willy wonka said. sigh.. !

p
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

outside taka..the fountain

p3
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

new hair
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

the new cut.. well..

DSCN3446
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

before the hair cut...

DSCN3451
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

hee...when i'm sick. you were there to give me a big big hugg!! =)

Shit! feel so shittY!
my prelims is 12th September!
having shit loads of problems in sch, with the teachers, and shit load of problems at home.
shit la!!!